~ By Hannah Brown UK
Firstly am I recovered?- No, and as many who have gone through similar will no doubt tell you, recovery is a process, there isn’t a finish line but more a gradual journey (cheesy but true!) to a place of contentment, a place where one’s own mind is bigger and stronger than that of their illness.
I’m in a place where I still have those ED thoughts, where I have to consciously make the right choices for my health and sustained recovery. It lingers, but now takes the form of a bad smell rather than dominating my entire existence.
Secondly, and this is such an important point (which I know is echoed by all those who have experience of any mental illness) is that there is not a one size fits all approach to recovery. We all take different steps, sidesteps and down steps- each person is different in every way possible and that should be reflected in recovery.
With this in mind, however, there are elements of recovery that I think are common to all, and that form the core of being able to make a sustained and substantial difference to one’s life, a life free from their eating disorders and free from their existence that has become so fraught with anxiety and solitude.
Consistency:
Generally speaking, whatever it is in life, the key to making any sort of enduring change is consistency. Commitment to a promise. That promise should be with yourself and it should be the promise to commit to recovery. It is a promise that should hold sacred against the deafening arguing of the illness.
We can demonstrate consistency through listening to advice- whether that be nutritional, psychological or behavioural. Listening to the experts, who are just as committed to your recovery as you should be. Consistency is shown in sticking to the changes that are made as part of the recovery, meal plans being one of the most common changes. Stick to it, follow it and use it as your prescription.
Letting go when the going gets tough is the easier thing to do, it’s the thing that hurts the less and often seems like the only option, but by remaining constant, consistent and true to your recovery, life will eventually become everything you dreamt it could be.
Isolation:
During your illness, it is so easy to feel alone, isolated from your friends and loved ones. My experience was one of solitude, instead of finding complete contentment and solace in the arms of my eating disorder.
This isolation in another form, however, is an integral part of recovery and that is maintaining the isolation from the illness.
Put the illness in a box and visualize it as an isolated part of you. It is not you, you are not it and it does not define you. You are one and separate from the illness and to isolate it, is to reduce its power and strength. It cannot have a grip on you as it’s in that box. It cannot harm you because we have put it in isolation. Recovery is forming your own identity and remembering your true value in isolation from your illness.
Isolate yourself to forge new and lasting relationships that will give you a greater sense community where there is no room for mental illness.
Building your village:
My favourite and undoubtedly one of the most powerful African Proverbs that I think I have heard- “It takes a Village to raise a Child”.
So simple a premise and yet so powerful in application. My Eating Disorder took everything. It ripped holes into parts of my life that I thought were unbreakable and putting it back together again was a task that seemed overwhelming. I was that child, and I needed raising back to glorious health- I couldn’t and you can’t do it on your own.
Recovery is an opportunity for you to inhabit your village exactly how you wish- who do you want in your life that will help your sustained recovery? What level of help do you think is right for you? It might be that you have to really consider friendships that are little toxic, acknowledging that your village needs a new community to keep you safe. Turn the buildings of your village into homes and fill those homes with people who have your back, who will support and raise you up. In time you can allow yourself to be more present in those relationships but for now, let them help you.
Abstinence:
Now, the term abstinence is more commonly associated with addiction rehabilitation. We understand the term in the context of stopping behaviours that are harmful to us and dangerous, especially when relied upon to the extent where it becomes an addiction. But for me, I was very much addicted to the caveats and multiple facets of my illness.
Control: addicted to being in control of what I ate and how much I weighed.
My addiction later evolved as I became weaker in mind and body
Exercise: One more mile, every time, just one more mile. The behaviours didn’t end there, and I found that over time as I lost more of my personality, I became further entrenched in an illness that had me addicted, totally out of control and unrecognizable.
To fully and wholeheartedly recover, it is essential to abstain from the behaviours that have habitually become your crutch and coping mechanism. To take these behaviours away is to rip the bandage off and expose the wound. Only once this bandage has been ripped off, can we truly see the damage that has been done underneath but it is only through this exposure that we can start the healing process. The wound, once uncovered will bleed, but in time with the right amount of pressure, the bleeding and the pain stops. Exposure brings understanding and understanding is the key to recovery.
Eating disorders come in every shape, size, colour and gender. There is no discrimination. There may be precursors, genetic factors and triggers but ultimately, anyone can suffer from an eating disorder just as anyone can face issues with their mental health.
Steps in your recovery will be enlightening and heartbreaking at the same time. Conflicting emotions will race through your mind and each day will bring new challenges. Recovery is taking a day at a time, and taking that day in your stride- let your mind, body and soul heal just as you would a physical health condition and don’t be scared as I promise there is peace to be found.
Check Out Resources:
Hannah Brown volunteers* her time by giving educational talks, workshops and training around eating disorders. She also works closely with those suffering from all Eating Disorders as a peer confidant, encouraging recovery through honest and holistic discussion in order to restore the whole person post illness. Hannah was a mentally and physically fit, high achieving young adult with a glittering career ahead in law.
https://aneartohear.co.uk/contact/